My life is such a mess.

I used to have so much energy than others. In fact it was about the only thing that set me apart. I had no talent, but by putting myself more into what I do, I somehow manage to stay on edge. The smart people looked at me, applauding my efforts but ultimately rejoiced in their giftedness and my failures. But at least they hung around.

To some others, I became the person who inspires, who cheers them up. I guess I took on that identity too. They liked to be around me to be reminded that with a positive mentality and an attitude of restless aspiration, they could do anything.

But life changes, and I’ve changed now. Some people can’t just rely on me to cheer them up anymore. I’m already too busy cheering up my own self. And then, suddenly I lose value. And the smart ones, after they’ve learned from me, seeing my efforts, have gone off and played in their league.

So now I’m alone, naked, and exposed: talentless, and nothing to make up for it. I should have started from the small league up, cuz this fall is bitter.

August 15, 2014

I always feel strange texting / chatting with someone from far away, especially if that’s someone I have feelings for. I’d rather be close than having to grapple with unfulfilled desire. :(

I miss the intimacy with my ex-girlfriend. She was so great in sex. But welp, time to move on.

August 10, 2014

Just read stuffs my exes wrote. Gets me to think about myself.

What shapes who I am the most is perhaps my experience with all the girfriends I’ve ever had. Because I can never un-love a person, I still think about them from time to time.

In each failed relationship I strongly believe still that it is not all my fault. But when there is one, I wanna learn from it.

I want to be a better man, so next time if I am ever with someone who is like that, I’d do better.

It’s a very slow process for me. I feel like I am so late to puberty, to maturity. I didn’t really watch porn until I turned 20 and the first time I ever had sex was just a bit over 7 months ago. But that’s just how it is. At least I know where I’m going.